Happy Anniversary to Me...

Okay, I'm not going to lie. This is not going to be a happy, uplifting post.

Today has pretty much been the worst day ever and the worst anniversary (let's hope I don't have one worse than this, otherwise I might run away from home).

I need to vent. So, if you don't want to hear venting, don't read this blog. This is mostly for me. I need to get everything off my chest.

Jeremiah is actually in China on a trip for his MBA program. A trip prior to graduation is mandatory for all grad students at Westminster. Jeremiah had two options: he could have taken a trip to Brazil in March...but Jonathan would have only been a month old; or he could have taken this trip to China, therefore missing our anniversary. Initially, we planned that Jeremiah would go in the spring and just get it over with. He wanted to go to Brazil more than China anyway. And then, Jeremiah started thinking about how much work a newborn is...and then Peter broke his leg...and he just thought that it would be easier to go on the China trip in the fall. In fact, he didn't even realize that the trip fell on our anniversary anyway. I was the one who told him that. What is it with guys and remembering dates? However, as soon as I told him that he would be gone on our anniversary, he was very sweet and considered getting special permission to opt out of the mandatory trip. I told him not to do that, but just to go. I told him that it didn't matter that he would be gone on our anniversary. And I really meant that (still do, as a matter of fact).

Well, this last semester of Jeremiah's school has been hard. He had another intense semester like this one, but this one has definitely been rough. He is gone about 4 nights a week in addition to having a Saturday study group. So, pretty much, I have felt like a single mom...only I'm married...and living with my in-laws...and having to cook for everyone (get dinner ready by 5 p.m. on the off-chance that Jeremiah will make it home in time to eat and visit for 20 minutes before heading off to school again). The boys have hardly seen Jeremiah...and when he has been home, he's had a ton of homework.

I've been exhausted. It's a lot of work to do it all by yourself.

Jeremiah's school kept him busy right up until he had to leave for China. So, he left on his trip last Thursday morning and the only contact we've had are brief (20 minutes max at a time) skype calls. The skype connections aren't that great. It freezes a lot and the video gets delayed, so it's honestly kind of a pain. It's good to see him and talk to him, but I don't know exactly when he'll try to contact us, so I'm kind of at the mercy of his schedule. I feel like a teenager waiting by the phone for someone to call her for a date...only there's a lot more inconvenience involved because staying by the computer when you have little ones is not the easiest thing in the world. I have also sent Jeremiah some emails, which he briefly responded to, but that's it.

I talked to Jeremiah yesterday. It was October 18th in China and I said "Aren't you going to wish me a happy anniversary?" He said "Why? It's not the 18th for you. I'll wish you a happy anniversary tomorrow."

Well, it's too bad he didn't take the opportunity then. It might have made me feel a little better in the long run. But how could either of us have known what kind of day I was going to have?

When I was putting Jonathan to bed last night, I was talking to Jonathan and I mentioned something about Daddy...and I just got the most horrible feeling. This pit in my stomach. I figured it was nothing, but when I put Jonathan to bed, and later when I put Peter to bed, and finally when I went to bed myself, I said three separate prayers asking specifically for Jeremiah's safety and safe return home to us. I sent Jeremiah an email and asked him to just send me a quick email letting me know that everything was alright.

I didn't hear anything from him.

I mostly knew that it was nothing and that Jeremiah was fine, but at the same time, you can't stop your mind from thinking horrible things. At the time I got the feeling, Jeremiah would have been on a tour bus. I couldn't help imagining a horrible bus crash and instant widowhood. I hate that I have such a rampant imagination, but I also can't help it. I imagined what in the world I would do and how I would feel if I lost my husband. I'd be devastated. I would never remarry (I mean...what's the point? I would be sealed to Jeremiah in the temple, so why would I want to built a life with someone else?). I'd have to go back to work, but I could never earn much. I'd probably have to go and live at my Dad's house and put my kids in daycare (which would break my heart...but honestly after the day we all had today, many might wonder if that was the better option for my kids). I imagined having to explain to Peter that his daddy was gone...

All sorts of horrible thoughts.

As you can imagine, I didn't sleep well. During my on-and-off sleepless night, I checked my email hoping for a response from Jeremiah...nothing.

Because I stayed up too late and got a crappy night's sleep (Jonathan slept poorly too...so what sleep I did have was interrupted further), when I woke up I just knew it was going to be one of those days. Perhaps it was because I woke up to the sweet sounds of Peter screaming angrily over his monitor to be gotten out of bed. I immediately wished that it was already time to put the kids to bed for the night. It would have been better for all of us if we could have just gone back to bed.

Everyone woke up cranky. I don't know if the boys could sense my bad mood or if they were coincidentally in bad moods of their own, but everyone was unhappy.

I had to go to the grocery store because I was almost out of formula for Jonathan...so there was no choice in the matter. Going to the grocery store with two kids is no picnic, let me tell you. Avoid it at all costs, if you can. Only do it if it is absolutely necessary...as it was in my case.

Peter is the pickiest eater ever...so he didn't eat much breakfast. You know that it is a bad idea to go grocery shopping when you're hungry. Well, it is an even WORSE idea to go grocery shopping with a cranky, hungry toddler.

Besides that, Peter is going through such a disobedient phase. He's really testing his independence and it takes a lot of patience for me to deal with him. Patience was in low supply today, unfortunately.

As soon as we entered the grocery store, a well-meaning man asked how Jonathan had hurt his head (because of the helmet he was wearing). I had to explain to him about the conditions surrounding the helmet and that Jonathan had developed a flat spot on his head when his skull was still quite soft. The whole story in condensed form...blah, blah, blah. That's one of the hard things about going into public with Jonathan. I swear half the people out there think I am dropping my children on their heads or leaving them unattended so that they have opportunities to hurt themselves. Sigh.

Anyway, I wheeled Peter around in one of those truck grocery carts (he was in the cab of the truck below the cart) and Jonathan was in the Baby Bjorn (he's getting so heavy--22 lbs--I won't be able to carry him in that too much longer and then I don't know what I'll do...at least he can sit up now so I can have him sit in the top of the cart up front if I need to...but I'm putting that off until it's absolutely necessary.). When we were checking out, Peter grabbed something like 5 or 6 pieces of candy from the candy rack. I HATE how they put all of that candy right at eye-level for kids who are in those truck carts. Besides that, it's within their reach and they can grab it all. Then those carts are huge and unwieldy so you can't get around them to block your child from the candy. I unloaded the cart and kept 2 pieces of candy that Peter had grabbed and sneakily tried to return the remaining 3 or 4 pieces. Peter didn't see that I had kept some candy for him--he only saw me returning candy to the shelves and he had a HUGE tantrum. He screamed and cried at the top of his lungs (and for those who know Peter, you will know that he is loud). I tried to reason with him and explain that I still kept some of the candy, but honestly, I don't think he could hear a word I said over his own screaming. I realized that nothing I could say or do at that point would do any good, so I had to just listen to him scream the entire way back to the car (as did everyone else in the store and parking lot) and most of the ride home.

Of course, by this point, Jonathan was again exhausted and hungry and in need of a nap. So, that complicated things.

I got the boys home, somehow got Peter calmed down, put Jonathan to bed, and put the groceries away.

My mom had sent me a message asking me to call her. We had planned to spend some time with her that evening so the boys could have an outing. It turned out that she had caught a cold and couldn't get together with us. I felt bad because she probably caught the cold from my boys when we visited her on Sunday. I wasn't surprised by her cancellation though. I kind of figured something like that would have happened. It was just my luck for the day. But I also figured that it might be for the best because I probably just needed to keep things mellow and low-stress that evening.

By that point, it was time for lunch. Doesn't it just feel so non-stop? Feeding, cleaning up after meals, baths, diaper-changing, naps, etc. And then it all starts over again.

After lunch, Peter wanted a bath, so I gave him one. The other day, he had wanted to take a bath with some non-bath toys, but I had averted it at the time and hidden those toys. However, after he got out of the bath, he found those particular toys and demanded ANOTHER bath. I was about to say no, but honestly, I couldn't handle another tantrum from him. He had just been so whiny, screamy, and disobedient all day long and I didn't have the energy for another battle.

Meanwhile Jonathan woke up from his nap and was hungry again, so I fed him while I kept an eye on Peter. Jonathan became covered in goo from his finger foods and baby spit (a combination which is a strong enough glue to be used as mortar...seriously, you could build a house and use the mixture of baby spit and graham crackers as cement), so when Peter was ready to get out of the tub, Jonathan had to get in. Then, after lunch, it was time to get both boys ready for their afternoon naps.

In the meantime, I had checked my email and skype repeatedly for any word from Jeremiah. Nothing. It's a scary feeling to know that you can't get in touch with someone when you want or need to. Until our kids are grown, I'm not going to be cool with another out-of-the-country trip unless that means I can call him at any time of the day or night and actually reach him. I mean, what if there was an emergency--on either end? What would we do? It's a very helpless feeling.

Getting Peter down for a nap when he doesn't want to go is no easy thing. He has honestly been such a beast today. I don't know what put him in that mood...because he isn't usually like this. He honestly has very few bad days. But his bad days are VERY bad days. It can be so hard.

In order to get him to bed, I was being so patient and sweet with him (which was taking a lot of effort with the day I had been having). Over and over, I suggested all of his favorite things that usually lure him into his bedroom in preparation for going to sleep. He still refused. He kept mentioning other things he wanted to do (in a loud and angry tone). After about 10 minutes of trying to put him in a good mood and convince him that it was time to happily take a nap, he continued to angrily refuse. It was time to put my foot down. I finally told him that no, it was nap time. I told him it was time to go into his room for a nap but to put a positive spin on it, I emphasized that we could still read a few books and I would carry him in to his room (he loves that), he angrily screamed at me at the top of his lungs (repeatedly) and I finally lost it and spanked him. I felt awful...and I also felt out of control, so I had to put him in his room for a few minutes (I put Jonathan separately in his crib so that I could be alone) while I regained my composure and calmed down. He just makes me sooooo mad sometimes. He takes so much patience and he is so hard to teach. His willful disobedience lately has been particularly difficult for me to handle. I hate that he wants to test the boundaries all the time and that he'll do bad things on purpose to see what my reaction will be. I wish he could just trust me and obey me.

But I was also incredibly frustrated with myself. Time-outs are the method of discipline that I use and they have been very successful. Why couldn't I have stopped myself from spanking him and simply put him in time out? Being a mom is so hard sometimes and it's hard not to beat yourself up about certain things.

I calmed down and went back into Peter's room. After a few more battles, I finally got Peter down for his nap and then took a nap with Jonathan. I was exhausted and probably needed the nap more than anyone.

Well, Peter woke up screaming at the top of his lungs at around 3 p.m. (not a long enough nap for him). I debated my possibilities. I could give Peter a few minutes and hope that he would go back to sleep, or I could sneak out and take care of him while Jonathan continued to sleep (this possibility made me feel very weary). The other complication was that Peter was screaming so loudly over his monitor that I wondered how I could follow either plan and keep Jonathan asleep. Well, here's what happened: Peter did go back to sleep...but I took too long to figure out what to do and his screaming woke Jonathan up, so our nap time was over. I honestly felt like crying. I just wasn't emotionally or physically ready to face the day again. Besides that, Tuesdays are one of my nights to cook for my in-laws, so I had to do that too and I sooooooo didn't want to cook tonight.

There's no place for Jonathan to play upstairs while I cook, so I put him in the Baby Bjorn and cooked dinner with him attached to me. Not easy. Luckily, I was able to finish making dinner before Peter woke up (it was a casserole that I popped into the oven--it finished cooking at about 5 p.m.--about 10 minutes after Peter woke up).

The night was better. Everyone was in a better mood. Peter even ate dinner (not a common occurrence for my picky eater). Naps really do work wonders. The drawback was that I still hadn't heard from Jeremiah. I checked his itinerary and apparently, he had to leave the hotel very early in the morning to travel to another city, followed by a business visit, followed by sight-seeing before he was to check into the hotel. So, I figured that if I heard from him at all, it wouldn't be until tomorrow morning.

Now, I don't have high expectations for things like Valentine's Day or anniversaries. Jeremiah knows this--we made a joint decision not to make a huge deal of these kinds of events. It's just impossible to schedule romance, you know? You can schedule "together time," but expecting one day to be "everything" is just too much. So, I definitely wasn't expecting much for our 4th anniversary today--especially because Jeremiah was out of the country. But, I had hoped for a simple "I love you, Happy Anniversary, oh, and by the way, your fears were unfounded and I'm not dead. I'm a-ok!" That's all I really wanted. Was it too much to ask?

Since I hadn't heard from him at all, I was starting to feel super cranky...and resentful. The other day, I finally read his trip itinerary. It is so cushy! I can't believe that it is a mandatory trip! At least the trip was covered by his tuition, but we still had to pay $500 for his visa to China. And I couldn't help but feel a little jealous when I read that over the course of about 11 days, he only has three business visits lavishly cushioned in-between days and days of amazing sight-seeing opportunities. He gets to see Hong Kong, go to the Great Wall, go to Tian-an-men Square and the Forbidden City, visit a pearl factory, a jade factory, and a silk factory, has many hours set aside for self-guided sight-seeing and shopping, visit the olympic stadium, see a Chinese acrobatic show, see a laser show, ride on a ferry for a fancy night dinner trip, ride bikes on the Ancient City Wall, see the Terra Cotta Warriors museum, visit Shanghai, and go to fun museums and beautiful gardens.

Let me clearly explain: I am not resentful that Jeremiah gets to go on this trip. I'm happy that he gets to go and experience these things. He works really hard to provide for us and he deserves a break. Would I like to go myself? Yes. But not now...the boys are too little and I would worry about them the entire time I was gone, so the trip wouldn't be much fun for me. Do I need some kind of a break though? You bet. But for the most part, I'm just bugged that the trip is mandatory! Seriously? It's a glorified senior trip, that's what it is. It's an excuse to party and celebrate the completion of a master's degree (which, granted, is a lot to celebrate). But, call it what it is. It has nothing to do with becoming aware of our world market or our global economy. It shouldn't be mandatory. What a load of crap.

Meanwhile, I am at home taking care of two sick and cranky boys and I haven't even had the time to do my own hair or make-up in days. Only two people even remembered it was my anniversary (my mom and sister). Then I got a load of sass all day long from my son, Peter. I was starting to think that it might be better for Jeremiah's sake if he had died because it might be the only way for him to be granted clemency.

But the evening was a little better. The boys were in better moods. We watched a movie (Stuart Little) that I bought at the grocery store. Peter had never seen it before, so the newness of it kept him enthralled, happy, and controlled.

But bedtime is always rough. I put Jonathan to bed around 7:30 p.m. because he was super cranky. He is transitioning from taking an evening nap--which means that he often has to go to bed earlier than his 8 p.m. bedtime because he is simply too tired to stay awake any longer. I tried to put him down for a nap earlier, but he wouldn't do it. No such luck.

While I was preparing Peter for bed, he was initially sweet, but then became super sassy to me. I started to lose patience again and I knew that it was going to be a rough time getting him to bed. Right when I realized that, I should have gone into another room to have a few minutes to myself and prepare myself for the battle to come. However, I didn't. I told him that I was very tired and that we could read one book but that we needed to say our prayers first. He has been so irreverent during prayers lately and I am having a really hard time teaching him to be respectful. Lately, he just likes to mumble gibberish the entire time I am praying (at the top of his lungs, of course, so that I, myself, can barely hear what I'm saying. So, I'm sure Peter can't hear me. At least the Lord can hear me!). It is so frustrating. I reminded him that we need to be reverent when we talk to our Heavenly Father and not talk when other people are talking--and especially when other people are praying. He looked at me with a mischievous and defiant expression, but he remained silent. So, I started to pray and he immediately started to mumble at full volume in a mocking tone. I just lost it. The whole day came rushing in on me and I couldn't handle it anymore. I clapped my hand over his mouth and in a very mean and angry voice said "we don't talk during prayers!" I then lost it for the second time that day and spanked him again. I don't agree with spanking--especially with Peter. I try so hard to be patient with him, but he can be so maddening. So, in one day, I doubled my spanking record. I have now spanked Peter a total of 4 times. Sigh. What a lovely example I am setting. What a testimony builder for both of us, right? And what a "mommy dearest" moment. I can't tell you how horrible it makes you feel to lose your patience so quickly like that. You really start to wonder what is wrong with you that you couldn't control yourself more.

I left the room where I immediately collapsed and burst into tears, saying to myself out loud "What is wrong with me?!". I felt awful, ashamed, and disappointed in myself. I just don't understand how someone you can love so much can make you soooo angry at the same time. I quickly prayed to the Lord for forgiveness and then I immediately returned to the bedroom where my crying and very much frightened Peter was sitting in bed. I hugged him and while crying (pretty much sobbing) I told him repeatedly how sorry I was and how awful I felt.

I then said a prayer for both of us and read The Three Little Pigs to him while I continued to unsuccessfully fight back my tears. It was the worst rendition of The Three Little Pigs ever. When I finally got out of the room, I again burst into tears.

I checked my phone, which was beeping. Jeremiah had borrowed someone else's phone to wish me a happy anniversary and to say that he loved me. It just made me burst into tears again. It was nice and reassuring to hear from him (not to mention a relief)--and I definitely felt his love for me through that short text and those simple words. But the day had been so bad and after losing my patience with Peter, I just felt like an awful person. This has been an absolutely horrible day. In Jeremiah's defense, he couldn't contact me earlier than that because he was on a train for half of the day (without internet), then he didn't check into his hotel until later in the evening. I know it wasn't intentional on his part. He probably just didn't really think about his itinerary until he was in the thick of it and realized that he had no way to contact me until it was too late to do anything about it sooner.

So, after a good cry, I decided I needed a good venting. Hence this post.

Well, this probably won't make any sense, but after writing this all out and getting it off my chest, I feel better. Even though I have exposed my human failings and frailties and you will all probably think I'm a horrible person! If you think I'm a horrible person, this is my response to you: You have never had to raise Peter David Washburn. He is the most loveable, amazing, sweet, funny, fun-loving, exciting, high-spirited kid in the world and it brings me great joy to raise him...but he can also be the most exasperating and sassy little guy too. It takes a lot of hard work and patience to raise that guy.

What a day.