A Compliment or Not?

Have you ever received a compliment that didn't really feel like a compliment? Or, on the flip side, been put down, but took it as a compliment?

As I'm currently struggling to lose this baby weight, I remembered a compliment that someone paid me years ago when I was trying to lose my baby weight from when I was pregnant with Peter. She meant it kindly, but it made me feel more discouraged. My weight balloons when I am pregnant and it doesn't just melt off after my babies are born like it does for some women. It takes a lot of hard work to shed my baby weight. At the time, I had lost 30 pounds of my baby weight and still had 15 more to go. It felt like I would never lose that weight and feel like my old self again. The compliment I received was, "That top is very slimming on you." However, at the time, it made me feel like, "You still have a long way to go, but that shirt gives the illusion that you are getting there."

After a few more months and a lot of hard work, I finally did get there. Then a few years later, I did it again with Johnny...and now I am working to do it again after having Daniel. It's so hard not to feel discouraged though when I am losing baby weight because I don't feel like myself or look like myself, and sometimes keeping your eye on the prize is easier said than done.

Throughout elementary, junior high, and high school, people told me I was "weird." At first, it hurt my feelings. However, in time, I came to wear that label proudly because you know what? Weird people have more fun and they are more fun! After awhile, sometimes people would call me weird and mean it as a put down and sometimes they would call me weird and mean it as a compliment. Either way, I would laugh and say, "Thank you. I am weird, and weird is fun."

I've been wearing maternity dresses to church because I have felt so insecure about how my body looks. I finally branched out and tried on some of my non-maternity dresses and actually found one that fit pretty decently (though not like it does when I am at my goal weight). I was feeling pretty good about myself. I went downstairs to get the boys dressed for church and Peter immediately told me my arms were "chubby." I kept the dress on because I didn't really have to time to change, or we would have been late to church...but I did put my coat on and wished that I had a black cardigan to cover my arms.

After this pregnancy, I have more weight to lose. I gained 45 pounds (just like I did when I was pregnant with Peter). However, before I got pregnant, I gained 10 pounds of emotional eating weight after my two pregnancies that ended in miscarriage the year before. Also, on top of that, I had 5 lbs. of lazy weight that had crept on because I wasn't being diligent at maintaining my weight before my pregnancies that ended in miscarriage.

At this point, I have lost 30 pounds and have 30 more to go. I know Peter loves me and that he is just going through a phase, and that it is my job to teach him that it isn't nice, or kind, or polite, or socially acceptable to say those kinds of things to other people. Peter is just being a kid. Not the kindest, most empathetic kid, but a kid. In the case of the comment I received when I was trying to lose the baby weight I gained with Peter, the girl who said it meant to be kind...it was actually, me, myself, and I who turned the comment into an insult. I need to take the good and ignore the bad, no matter who the source is--especially when the source is me. I guess a lesson I learned from this is that I need to be kinder to myself about my body and my appearance.

Usually, when I am trying to overcome obstacles and improve myself, I am pretty patient with myself--with two exceptions--my weight and being a mother. More than once, I have undermined myself with negative self-talk. Unfortunately, when it comes to weight loss, the negative self-talk leads to me feeling down on myself and thinking, 'Who cares? I might as well eat this cookie." Vicious cycle indeed.

One area where I overcame the negative self-talk was with my own singing when I was younger. The things I told myself were more destructive to my progress in singing than anything else. In time, I overcame that. I no longer put myself down in regards to my musical ability. I've worked hard. I have the talent, the know-how, the skill, and the ability. If I am struggling with a certain part in a song, I just keep practicing, and eventually it will come. I don't beat myself up over it anymore when I'm polishing up a rough spot in a song. Bvesides that, I love music. Singing is fun! It brings me fulfillment in a way that few things can. So, why not focus on the joy I receive from music and singing instead of focusing on my shortcomings?

I just need to learn to be that understanding, kind, and patient with myself when it comes to losing weight, how I talk to myself about my body, and as I learn to increase in my abilities and capacity as a mother. It's hard not to put myself down when I lose patience with my kids and yell at them. Itmakes me feel as if the whole day has been ruined and that I have failed. It feels like a dark, heavy cloud hovering over me...whereas, for my kids, they tend to brush it off in a few minutes most of the time and life goes back to normal for them. I need to learn to forgive myself and move on more quickly so that one moment of yelling at my kids doesn't turn into a whole day of being cranky, and so that one bad day of eating and not meeting my exercise goals doesn't turn into a week of bad eating and not exercising at all because I feel discourage and feel like I will never reach my goal. Besides, if I keep acting like that, I never will reach my goal!

Maybe I need to find a way to flip all outside comments or negative self-talk around and turn them into compliments...compliments I will accept proudly, just like being called "weird."

Yes, honestly, my arms are chubbier than they are when I am at my goal weight. Unfortunately, my arms gain quite a bit of cushioning when I put on weight. However, the compliment I can give myself is that I have gotten it off before, and I can get it off again. If I have done it before, this time is no different. Bodies are resilient. Bodies are forgiving. They sometimes take a lot of abuse, but they can recover from that abuse once you start treating them right and start taking care of them again. I know I can get back to my goal weight. I know I can get my arms to be fit again. I know I'll be able to fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans soon. However, I also know that it will take a lot longer to get there if I give myself negative messages. I'm not being unrealistic either. I know I will never again look like I did before I had children. Even if I get my body back in shape and get down to my goal weight, there are still wrinkles, sun spots, a wider rib cage, and gray hairs that are here to stay. I'm okay with that. There is beauty in every age. I see my body differently than I did at 25. It has been a vessel to bring three handsome boys into this earth life. What an amazing accomplishment! That was hard work. Job well done!

So, here's to positive thoughts and self-affirmations! I can do it!