2014 was a hard year. We had been trying for a baby and were overjoyed to discover in January of 2014 that I was expecting a baby. However, at my first appointment in February, we learned that we lost that baby. You can read about that journey here. Honestly, I still can't read that post without crying through it. That was such a hard time. I truly believe that baby belongs to us and it was a hard loss to bear. I had another miscarriage in May. I miscarried the day after I took a pregnancy test and got a positive test result. I would have only been about five weeks along that time.
I started to really question my body's ability to even bear another child. Jeremiah and I fasted and prayed about whether or not I could actually have another baby, and if I could, we prayed for help to know what we needed to do about it. I did some research and discovered that there was a test that could determine your egg count and therefore your likelihood of getting pregnant. The test I heard about had to be taken on the third day of your period. I looked it up online and discovered that it was available at Walgreen's...but it turned out that this was one of those issues with people being confused about what was actually in stock and what wasn't. I couldn't find it in stores anywhere. So, I decided to call my doctor about this test that I had heard about and see if I could take it through their office. My doctor and his nurse seemed confused as to why a 35 year old would be worried about her fertility, but at the same time, my doctor explained that there was indeed a test that I could take and was more than willing to order the test for me. It was a slightly different than the test I read about online. It didn't have to be taken on the third day of your period, it could be taken any time. It was also a blood test (rather than a test that you urinated on like the one I had read about). As a result, it was much more accurate. I eagerly took the test and awaited the results.
My doctor called me a few days later. He explained that my numbers were surprisingly low. On the test result scale, low to non-existent test results are considered to be .5 or lower. My test number was .796. I was on the very low end of the low normal scale. This meant that my egg count was very low. My doctor explained to me that I wouldn't be one of those women who could have babies into her 40s and that I was most likely headed for an early menopause. However, since I was still menstruating, he explained that I was also still ovulating...and thus, I was still releasing an egg each month. My doctor suggested that I go on clomid to help my ovulation and to help the maturity of the egg I released. It works this way: you only take clomid for three cycles (or three months) and if it doesn't work and you don't get pregnant, it probably won't work for you, and doctors recommend that you don't continue taking clomid past three months.
Jeremiah and I decided to try clomid. We decided that if I didn't get pregnant on the clomid that we would stop trying for another baby and see it as the Lord's answer to our prayers and that our family was complete. I came to realize that two very real possibilities lay before me. One, I could get pregnant on clomid and we could have another baby. Or two, that the clomid wouldn't work and our family was complete.
It was an interesting place to be. I came to terms with both possibilities. I can truly say that at this point, I felt complete peace about whatever path the Lord had planned for me. I tried to look at the bright side of each possibility. If we didn't have any more babies, I could lose the emotional eating weight I had gained from my two miscarriages and not worry about gaining pregnancy weight on top of that, we would be completely done trying for a baby (which is a stressful thing in itself), we already had two very sweet, handsome, and lovable boys already, which was a huge blessing, and life would be a whole lot cheaper than we had previously anticipated. We could go on family trips more often, etc. On the other hand, I truly felt deep down inside like we were supposed to have another baby. Part of me wondered if this feeling was tied to the baby that I had already miscarried. However, Jeremiah had an experience shortly after my miscarriage. Peter had made a family chain in Primary. It looked so small with just Jeremiah, me, Peter, and Jonathan. Just four little loops to create our family chain. Jeremiah looked at it sadly that evening after church and wondered if that was all our chain would ever be...but he felt so strongly after thinking this that our chain wasn't finished. I also remembered the joy our boys had when we had told them they would have another little brother or sister. Those are the things I held onto in the possibility that I did indeed get pregnant again.
However, I have to be honest, I really didn't think I would get pregnant again. All of the things I had read online in conjunction with my low egg count blood test results made me seriously doubt my ability to get pregnant again.
Jeremiah made me promise to take this pregnancy test earlier than I had the others. Usually, I wait to take a pregnancy test until I am a full week past my period. However, Jeremiah made me promise to take this test if I was even one day late. I woke up at 5 a.m. the morning I promised to take the test and headed for the bathroom...at the last minute, I realized I had promised to take the pregnancy test and rushed to open it before I peed my pants. Ha ha! I was flipping through a magazine with my glasses off as I waited for the results of the pregnancy test. I fully expected the test to tell me I wasn't pregnant. I honestly wasn't even thinking about the test because of the magazine article I was reading. I very nonchalantly glanced at the pregnancy test and realized that the results weren't what I expected them to be...it was positive. I was somehow pregnant again. I couldn't believe it. Dumbfounded, I looked at the test again, just to be sure.
I placed the test in a conspicuous location so Jeremiah would see it when he got up. I couldn't get back to sleep, so I went downstairs to exercise. As I exercised, I burst into tears. Tears of fear. A third possibility that I hadn't previously considered crept into my mind. I had thought about the possibility that I could get pregnant and have a baby. I had thought about the possibility that I might not ever get pregnant or have another baby again. However, I hadn't thought about the possibility that I might get pregnant and have yet another miscarriage. Well, I was thinking about this possibility now.
I stopped exercising and went upstairs. Jeremiah had woken up, gone to the bathroom, and seen the results of the pregnancy test. He woke up again when he heard me come into the room. He said, "It's pretty exciting, isn't it?" I started to cry and told him of my fears of another miscarriage and asked him for a blessing. He said a prayer to prepare himself and then he gave me a blessing. In the blessing, he blessed me to know that this baby was going to come to join our family and that it would be a healthy baby. Afterward, with a smile on his face, Jeremiah said, "Sarah, this baby is here to stay. I couldn't get the spirit to tell me if it was a boy or a girl though."
I felt incredibly comforted...but at the same time, I still worried. How can you not? I mean, as a mother who is carrying the baby, it just hits too close to home to not worry a little. Do you know what I mean? We set up my first appointment for when I would be eight weeks along and my doctor put me on progesterone pills to help prevent me from miscarrying this baby. We went to our eight week appointment, and there it was...our little jelly bean of a baby moving around with a very clear heartbeat. I can't tell you what a relief it was...especially after that last terrible appointment where I discovered I had lost my other baby. There was such a feeling of comfort and peace. This baby was here to stay.
Above: Our only picture from my 8 week appointment. It was enough.
Above: The next few pictures are from my 18 week appointment.
Above: We found out we were having a baby boy. Here he is...um...grabbing his..."unit." You can bet that the boys thought that was pretty silly...also the fact that we could tell that he peed during this ultrasound. The boys thought that was pretty funny too.
Above: I only got two pictures from my 29 week appointment. This one and the one below. That's Daniel sucking on his toe. He's a flexible little guy.
I also had a 36 week appointment because it took so long for my marginal placenta previa to clear up, but I didn't get any pictures from that appointment. But no need...I found out what I needed to know. finally by 36 weeks, I no longer had placenta previa, so my chances of having to have a C-section were no different from any other woman's. Good news for me, indeed! Since I am actually catching up on this post in December and my baby boy is four months old now, I have the gift of a whole lot of hindsight.
So happy that Daniel joined our family at long last.
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